Vocation Story of Sister Katie Buss
"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." (Jn 15:16) I believe this is the message of Divine Love from Jesus, which sticks out the most in my mind in regards to the search for my life's mission. This mission is not something that I myself concocted; it's not something that I can say I deserve or have merited in any way. This message reminds me constantly that we are called specifically by the Father's Love: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you." (Jer 1:5) We are to freely choose if we wish to return that Love in the giving of ourselves back to Him through instrumentality. As Mother Teresa once said, "That is what I am, God's pencil with which He writes what He likes...God writes through us, and however imperfect instruments we may be, He writes beautifully."
At age twelve I went on pilgrimage to EWTN, using the money that I managed to save up doing various jobs for people in my community. I went on this trip, which was organized by a woman whom I now call my "adopted grandma" (Joan), and I helped out on the bus. It was an awesome experience and I loved it down at EWTN. Joan would ask me six more times after that to come and help her out with the trip. Little did I know in the beginning of those trips how they would affect my life's decision, and really why the Lord kept bringing me there.
I think it was around junior high that I began to really allow the doubts to seep into my mind. I began to put off any such thoughts of religious life. I would say to myself, "Why do I have to worry about this now anyway? I have tons of time before it matters." But through these grades to my sophomore year there was just something in my heart that continued to "pester" me, as I like to put it. But in reality it was the Divine Pursuer, asking me for my love. These times would come and go; however, when the Lord wanted me to bring it to the forefront of my mind again, He would have random people come up to me and ask me if I was considering religious life. He would continue to use many other such little mischievous ways. When I was fourteen years old and at what was at the time the "new" Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament, which Mother Angelica organized the building of, Our Lord decided to start getting a little more direct with me. I was praying in the Shrine before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and had been feeling tired of fighting the "pestering nudge". I said to Jesus, "Sacred Heart, please just tell me what you want me to do with my life. Whatever it is, I will do it." I finished preparing myself for Confession and entered the confessional. After I confessed my sins, the priest (who I never met in my life) asked me if I was considering religious life. I left the confessional and cried. My will was just not ready to allow instrumentality yet. However, as much as I fought the idea of religious life, I would get these deep senses of peace, especially during prayer at the Shrine in Hanceville. "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You." What St. Augustine said couldn't be truer! Leaving Hanceville every time, at the end of the visit there with the pilgrimage trips, I would feel like I was leaving home. But there was no way I was called to be a Poor Clare nun with Mother Angelica's group! At least, that is what I thought.My sophomore and junior years of high school, I continued to go back and forth on this whole thing. My heart pulled in one direction, and my mind in another. And guys started coming around too. But as the opportunities offered themselves to begin to date, I always felt that I shouldn't. I didn't want to be unfair to the boys, having this torn feeling within me, this pull in another direction. One guy in particular I noticed was just waiting for me to show that I was interested in something more than friendship, but I felt that I shouldn't show it. I was greatly irritated with this confusion within me and spoke to Jesus about the issue: "Why do You continue to bug me?? Why place this persistent nudging on my heart but nothing further? Why do You continue to leave me hanging? These other guys pursue me, and I would like to date them. If You indeed want me completely for Yourself, You will have to fight for me. Show me what You want. Pursue and conquer me, Jesus." I knew exactly what I was asking for, but I didn't care. I was sick of being in what I called "vocation limbo". A few days later, on my sixteenth birthday, I received a letter in the mail from a sister in Janesville, WI (I gave her my address a couple years earlier and never heard from her until now.) who wrote she had been praying for me daily and she enclosed information about her community. I had a flash back of my dare to Jesus and I was mad. (I was really quite a fickle person!)
At the end of my junior year I went again with Joan to Alabama. My mom sent me off with the teasing words, "Don't let the nuns take you now. You still have a whole year of high school yet!" With the great teenage roll of the eyes, I reminded her that up until this point I have never spoken to the nuns (except for Mother Angelica at the live show when she still hosted it) since they are cloistered, and that I didn't think this time would be any different. I also added the reminder that I couldn't possibly be called to the cloister anyway. On this busload of forty people, there was a couple who had a reliquary of St. Margaret Mary and her confessor.
They wanted to give this to Mother Angelica. So on the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we all gathered into the parlor and met with Mother Vicar (Sr. Mary Catherine), since Mother Angelica wasn't well enough to meet us. As we all were leaving the parlor, Mother Vicar sent a lady to come and get me: "Where's that girl?" My heart was just pounding as I followed her back into the parlor. There was Mother Vicar with her kind eyes and smile. "Are you thinking about entering religious life?" I said yes (through some tears, of course) and we spoke of my coming to visit them some time. After learning that I hadn't graduated yet, she said that I would be more than welcome to come the following year to visit. Allowing this to sink in took some time, and the rest of the trip was for me absorbed in prayer and soul searching. Our Lord even provided me with a wonderful priest on the trip who helped me with this.
My senior year was spent being surer than not that I was called to religious life. In the June 2005 I went to visit the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration in Hanceville, Alabama, at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. I couldn't possibly describe how happy I was there! Everything I found fit who I was and I couldn't believe it was real. I prayed, ate, recreated and worked with the nuns during their regular routine for four days. At the end, Mother Vicar asked me how I liked it, and if I wanted to meet with the Council (a group of five or six nuns who make some of the main decisions) about entering. I don't think I was ready for that, though, and I felt like I wanted to discern with other places first ? just to be sure. This is what I did from then until March 2006. And I discovered in visiting other places that indeed my calling was to be a contemplative nun, that is, to be a Mary (Martha's sister) in Scripture who sat at Jesus' feet and lovingly listened to everything He said. I discovered that I was to offer my life for the world, to intercede for it, and especially for those who are indifferent to Jesus in the Eucharist. But I also realize that I was meant to be home for that year. There were things that needed to be accomplished, learned and discerned before I was yet to take on my mission. In March I went back to the Poor Clares, fully aware and ready to enter, if I would be able to at this point. I stayed for a full week and it was amazing! Jesus worked everything out perfectly and I felt such fulfillment and peace once again. This was indeed home. After I met with the Council, and was getting my jumper and other such things, it really began to sink in. I was overjoyed! Leaving there to return home was the strangest feeling: it felt like I was leaving home in order to go home. I left knowing that on the feast day of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, July 16, 2006 I was going to be entering a new life; a life that Jesus has been preparing me for all this time. (I found out later that July 16 is the birthday of St. Clare! Also, it will be the third anniversary of my Covenant of Love, or Consecration to Our Lady through Schoenstatt!)
Jesus has an amazing love story for each one of us, whether it is through marriage, the single life, or the priesthood and consecrated religious life. Indeed He chooses us and pursues us in His great Love. How can one say no to Him? Joy is found in Our Lord and His eternal plan for us. He is so good and patient, even with people like me. He has loved us with His Passion. Should we not love Him with a passion in return?
**Update
Katie, now Sister Katie, has fully entered the community of the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration and is participating in the extern sisters' life.